I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
