Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
