is your mom at the bar?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
