I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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