ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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