My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
