What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
