I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
