You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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