I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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