My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
