bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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