My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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