I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
