i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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