Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
