the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
