How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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