I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I could have mohawked her pubes.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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