i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
