I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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