I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
