I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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