In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
