Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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