There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
