Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
