he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
