That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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