Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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