It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
