The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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