I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
