did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
