wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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