i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
