im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
