This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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