woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
