his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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