So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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