If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
