Swine flu. Run for my life!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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