Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
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It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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