Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
