A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
