Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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