Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
