Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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