I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
