What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
whose ass print is on the piano?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
