its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
