Where is the hickey?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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