quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
